{"id":15363,"date":"2021-12-20T21:38:27","date_gmt":"2021-12-20T21:38:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/?p=15363"},"modified":"2022-11-17T20:10:32","modified_gmt":"2022-11-17T20:10:32","slug":"what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need\/","title":{"rendered":"When the Person in Your Documentary Is Full of Crap"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n\r\n

In this series apprentice, Imari Berry selects essays from Jessica Conoley\u2019s archives.\u00a0 Imari shares why the essay resonates with her as a newer creative, & Jessica\u2019s original essay follows.<\/span><\/h2>\r\n\r\nI chose this essay because: This essay redefines the word fear and I feel seen. Fear is not something we should be ashamed of. It’s what makes us human and it’s what can push us forward.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Initial publication date: 03\/01\/2016<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

When the Person in Your Documentary Is Full of Crap<\/h3>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cYou should talk to my friend.\u00a0 He\u2019s doing a documentary on fearlessness,\u201d says the artist.
\u00a0
I wait for someone to respond. After five seconds of awkward silence I realize she\u2019s actually directed the statement at me. What the hell could possibly qualify me to be interviewed about fearlessness?<\/em>\u00a0 I open my mouth, and my vocal chords betray me. \u201cSure. If he needs some help.\u201d
\u00a0
I assume the friend is some guy in his mom\u2019s basement with an iPhone and a half-ass dream. On Saturday morning I arrive at a super legit contemporary building in downtown KC. I ring the doorbell and a woman answers the door, introducing herself as the production assistant. People who live in their mom\u2019s basements don\u2019t have production assistants. I\u2019m handed a list of brief questions to look over, before they get me into hair and makeup. People filming on an iPhone don\u2019t have their own makeup person. I should have known: my friend who got me into this is one of the only people I know who manages to make her living out of entirely artistic endeavors.\u00a0 She\u2019s been in the game much longer than me and operates on levels I don\u2019t even know exist.\u00a0
\u00a0
\u201cOK, we\u2019re ready for you.\u201d I\u2019m led into a nest of lights and equipment, gadgets and reflective umbrellas. I nestle into the chair centered on a plain backdrop. A handful of men adjust angles or levers or sensors.\u00a0 Someone moves the chain on my necklace centering the clasp at the back of my neck. \u201cRemember just talk into the camera.\u201d
\u00a0
Right, the camera.<\/em>\u00a0 Nothing here looks like a camera. I assume the box and the screen with the directors face staring at me is the right place since that\u2019s the direction my chair is pointed. The director is in the corner, looking toward a wall\u2014facing perpendicular to me. We may as well be on a Skype call from three feet away, and all I want to do is look to the corner where he is, but I look in the \u201ccamera\u201d and do my best to answer his questions. None of the questions address my immediate concerns: Will I look like a vampirey ginger on camera? What if I\u2019m actually in this thing? What if I\u2019m boring? What if I\u2019m not in this thing? What if I sound like an imbecile?
\u00a0
It takes less than ten minutes. When we\u2019re done he says, \u201cThanks. I think we got some really good stuff,\u201d and reminds me that 99% of the stuff they\u2019re shooting will end up on the cutting room floor.\u00a0 I go on my way and that is that.
\u00a0
Two months later I find out the video\u2019s been released, and I find it online. The opening shot is a gigantic screen emblazoned with WHAT IF?

\u201cWhat if\u201d is the game I\u2019ve always used when I wanted to torture myself.\u00a0 I\u2019d lie in my bed at night and go through every single scenario. What if I had stayed with that guy? What if I was supposed to move? What if I was supposed to stay? What if I gave up the only reliable income I\u2019ll ever have? What if I\u2019m not good enough? Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatif? Late into the night until I either passed out from weary anxiety or was freed by the sun peeking through my window.
\u00a0
I\u2019m not fearless. I\u2019m the most fearful person I know. I watch my friends do things I would never try in a million years, and think why can\u2019t I be that brave? My friend who always talks to her boyfriend about what is upsetting her so they can communicate better. My friend who\u2019s going on an adventure to a foreign country where she doesn\u2019t know a soul or speak the language. My friend who moved all the way across the country to do the job she loves.
\u00a0
But maybe they don\u2019t think they\u2019re brave either.
\u00a0
Fearlessness is partially about perception, making \u201cbrave\u201d different for each person.\u00a0 I learned that much when I was sixteen and working at a doctor\u2019s office.\u00a0 One of the nurses was talking about her friends working in an inner city school and how dangerous it was. She was angling for support in her discussion with the third party in the room when she asked me, \u201cDon\u2019t you think it\u2019s too dangerous?\u201d I answered, \u201cSomebody has to teach those kids. And it\u2019s good your friend wants to do it.\u201d\u00a0 The nurse left and I don\u2019t think either of us thought about it a minute more.\u00a0 But then, from the next room one of the transcriptionists came out\u2014a kind woman, who was \u201cmom-age\u201d, and quiet. The one who would notice I had an ear infection before I did by how I would rub my neck. She told me, \u201cI\u2019m so proud of you, for saying what you thought\u2014I could never be that brave.\u201d And the funny thing was, to me, there wasn\u2019t anything brave about saying what I thought in the break room at work\u2014but for her, clearly it was something that meant much, much more.
\u00a0
I meant what I said in the documentary. \u201cIt\u2019s not that I don\u2019t have fear.\u00a0 It\u2019s that I acknowledge the fear and choose to move past it.\u201d I\u2019ve got fears by the truckload. When they start to push on me, like they are right now, I try to remind myself that right now, today it is fine.\u00a0 Everyone says take things one day at a time, and that\u2019s great.\u00a0 But I\u2019m a hardwired planner, so it\u2019s rough to live by those words. I\u2019d been planning this escape from corporate life for five years. There were lots of hidden steps made to make it more likely I would have a real shot at making my living outside corporate America.
\u00a0
Obsessive impulsive is what my career coach called it.\u00a0 I obsess about every detail and action for years, but when I pull the trigger it is done. \u00a0
\u00a0
After a few months the fear has evolved, but it is definitely still there.\u00a0 Now I\u2019m on to the trial of patience. I\u2019m not very good at patience\u2014I watch entire TV series in one sitting.\u00a0 I read books from front to back. I do the whole puzzle the first day. I clean the house as soon as I get home from vacation. Living day to day requires patience\u2014maybe it\u2019s what my Buddhist friend is writing about when she talks about mindfulness. Just reveling in the moment, whether it is fearless or fearful, and realizing that right now everything is okay.
\u00a0
And if I ever need to relive that moment of what it was like to face the fear of being interviewed on camera the first time I can just click here<\/a> and remember that it all turned out okay.
\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

By Jessica Conoley<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Initial publication date: 03\/01\/2016 When the Person in Your Documentary Is Full of Crap \u201cYou should talk to my friend.\u00a0 He\u2019s doing a documentary on fearlessness,\u201d says the artist.\u00a0I wait for someone to respond. After five seconds of awkward silence I realize she\u2019s actually directed the statement at me. What the hell could possibly qualify…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15974,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3,250,251],"tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhen the Person in Your Documentary Is Full of Crap - Jessica Conoley<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Instead of letting fear cripple our actions, we could use it as a tool to drive them forward. Fear can be a gift.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"When the Person in Your Documentary Is Full of Crap - Jessica Conoley\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Instead of letting fear cripple our actions, we could use it as a tool to drive them forward. Fear can be a gift.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Jessica Conoley\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-12-20T21:38:27+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-11-17T20:10:32+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/from-the-archives-jessica-conoley.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"400\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Jessica Conoley\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Jessica Conoley\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need\/\",\"name\":\"When the Person in Your Documentary Is Full of Crap - Jessica Conoley\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2021-12-20T21:38:27+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-11-17T20:10:32+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#\/schema\/person\/1887901898e0e40cf065694fce98a123\"},\"description\":\"Instead of letting fear cripple our actions, we could use it as a tool to drive them forward. Fear can be a gift.\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/\",\"name\":\"Jessica Conoley\",\"description\":\"Author, Editor, Speaker, & Authorpreneurship Coach\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#\/schema\/person\/1887901898e0e40cf065694fce98a123\",\"name\":\"Jessica Conoley\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/8f9ebda8e64796965b574590696572fa?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/8f9ebda8e64796965b574590696572fa?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Jessica Conoley\"},\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/jessicac34.sg-host.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/author\/lelshllcgmail-com\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"When the Person in Your Documentary Is Full of Crap - Jessica Conoley","description":"Instead of letting fear cripple our actions, we could use it as a tool to drive them forward. Fear can be a gift.","robots":{"index":"noindex","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"When the Person in Your Documentary Is Full of Crap - Jessica Conoley","og_description":"Instead of letting fear cripple our actions, we could use it as a tool to drive them forward. Fear can be a gift.","og_url":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need\/","og_site_name":"Jessica Conoley","article_published_time":"2021-12-20T21:38:27+00:00","article_modified_time":"2022-11-17T20:10:32+00:00","og_image":[{"width":400,"height":200,"url":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/from-the-archives-jessica-conoley.png","type":"image\/png"}],"author":"Jessica Conoley","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Jessica Conoley","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need\/","url":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need\/","name":"When the Person in Your Documentary Is Full of Crap - Jessica Conoley","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#website"},"datePublished":"2021-12-20T21:38:27+00:00","dateModified":"2022-11-17T20:10:32+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#\/schema\/person\/1887901898e0e40cf065694fce98a123"},"description":"Instead of letting fear cripple our actions, we could use it as a tool to drive them forward. Fear can be a gift.","inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/what-if-our-fear-could-be-the-tool-we-need\/"]}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#website","url":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/","name":"Jessica Conoley","description":"Author, Editor, Speaker, & Authorpreneurship Coach","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#\/schema\/person\/1887901898e0e40cf065694fce98a123","name":"Jessica Conoley","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/8f9ebda8e64796965b574590696572fa?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/8f9ebda8e64796965b574590696572fa?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Jessica Conoley"},"sameAs":["http:\/\/jessicac34.sg-host.com"],"url":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/author\/lelshllcgmail-com\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15363"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15363"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15363\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15974"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15363"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15363"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yayserver.com\/jessicaconoley\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15363"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}